I think the second installment of most trilogies is a bust, so I will apologize for this post in advance. But isn’t it inevitable? The first part of a trilogy draws you in (you may recall Part 1, here), disappointment follows in the second part, but for the dedicated reader, fan, or whoever you are, the third part always brings it home. Well, I guess you have that to look forward to, when I eventually get to the other side of this midlife crisis. But in the meantime, here she is, Part 2, the Wednesday in your work week.
(Wow, I’ve really built this post up, huh?)
Perhaps I should back up a second, and re-title this: The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same.
When all you want is something (someone?) real in this world, no façade, no bullshit, nothing fake – and the real continues to elude you – you cling to what you do know: your past.
For those of you who have had the privilege of reading JD Vance’s Hillbilly Elegy, consider his memoir a glimpse into my own past. From page one, his words hauntingly resonated with me; I could reference any number of excerpts, but this one, this one that I’ve read 1,000 times over, sums up a lot of the (shallowly) buried feelings that I have:
I don’t actually know what part in the above breaks me more, the comment that “social class in America isn’t just about money,” or the last half sentence, “… that she wasn’t good enough,” because both. Well, both. Are me.
I’m sure we have all felt like we aren’t good enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not short enough (um, yeah, for someone who is as beastly tall as me), not funny enough, not thin enough, not rich enough … I could go on. You can fill in your own blank:
“I am not _____________ enough.”
Except it needs to stop. Our past is the foundation of our present and the building block for our future. Whatever we have gone through has made us who we are, and it’s okay if we hold onto it, as long as we don’t allow it to paralyze our present and direct our future. In a world of negativity, why can’t we put the following on repeat:
What affirmation from the above resonates the most with you?
- i forgive myself
- i forgive myself
- i forgive myself
- .
- .
- .
For what? For how hard I have been on … me? For the love I didn’t give to … me? For not letting myself believe in … me? For the walls that I have put up. For the words that I have left unsaid. For the tears that I have never let fall.
So, what does any (all?) of this have to do with Part 2 of my midlife crisis?
Well, I’m still a work in progress. I’m still clinging to my past, at a watershed moment stepping over the threshold into my future. I’m still not confident in the blood, sweat, and tears that have landed me where I now sit (pinch me?). I’m still getting my hair cut on the cheap. Just like when I was 6. Cost? $0. Memories made for 1.0 – the one I so bravely let cut my hair – priceless. Cut it all off. I don’t care. Hair grows back. That may or may not be how I tried to rationalize it. But truly, no rationale needed. It’s who I am.
Many people define themselves through material things, physical things, tangible things … But for me? I am defined by my past. It’s not a money thing. (Insert JD Vance quote that, “social class in America isn’t just about money.”) It’s not even a time thing. It’s a, shrugging-the-shoulders, why kind-of-thing. Why would I go to a hairdresser? Would my haircut be more polished otherwise? Well sure, but my hair is wavy so what does an imperfection even matter? Do I deserve it (the dreaded ‘d-word!’)? Am I good enough?
It’s not really about getting my hair cut – it goes so much deeper than that. Am I willing to believe the affirmations that, “i am easy to love,” or that, “i trust myself,” or even that, “i love myself?”
Fu#k it – yes. I think I am. Hair is just symbolic. To the before and after acknowledgement of every “i-am-doing-my-best” affirmation. The midlife crisis (realization?) that redirects my focus and reminds me of what is important. The “i-forgive-myself” grace.
Yes. That is where I am right now. Deservedly meeting myself where I am. In the here and now. Acknowledging how the past has formed my present, never denying its role, but moving forward with the, “i-am-safe” affirmation. Stepping across that threshold into my future.
So, will there be a Midlife Crisis, Part 3? Absolutely. I think of all the great trilogies, the Hunger Games, 50 Shades of Grey, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, etc., that while the second in the series always leaves a little to be desired (sorry!), the third one always hits you in the face and makes you wonder why you ever questioned – after Part 2 – if Part 3 would be worth it. So yeah, there will be a Part 3. And I think it will be worth the wait. So, stay tuned … life be getting real over here in NWA.
